Reflecting On the First Half of My First Pregnancy

I’m 20 weeks pregnant today. Half way to meeting our baby boy. I’m both surprised it is already half way to my due date and feeling like it has taken so long already.

I’ve changed so much in the last 20 weeks. My mindset is completely different than it was before I got pregnant. Here are my thoughts on a few parts of my mindset and lifestyle that have changed in these first 20 weeks of pregnancy.

Desire to make things myself - Nesting. Mothering.

My first trimester was rough. I was nauseous so much of the time. I had to stop doing CrossFit and coaching. Nothing homemade sounded good at all. I couldn’t stomach much. But when my second trimester hit, something shifted and I went heavy into the nesting phase.

I suddenly wanted to make food myself…all of our food. I started making sandwich bread, biscuits, pie crust, and other things I would normally buy pre-made or in a tube. I planned out and bought seeds for my first garden. I found copycat recipes for all of my favorite things, like cereal, sauces, baked goods, etc.

I also had a deep desire to remove toxins and high-waste products from my home. I started making swaps to our laundry and dishwasher detergent, my personal care items, and more. I purchased refillable items that cut our home waste down by half or more.

Of course this desire came initially from my need to provide a safe and healthy environment for my baby boy, but it was also a mindset shift away from the idea that I didn’t need or even deserve a toxin-free, safe home full of love to knowing I deserve it and being willing to provide it for myself. I began to mother myself in some ways and recognizing all the ways I had sacrificed my own needs for others even before I became a mother. Shifting my mindset in this way is helping me to truly lean into the idea that I can’t pour from an empty cup: to take care of myself so I can care for my baby.

Desire to rest and not push my body - Recovery. Rest.

When my body forced me to stop heavy exercise in the first trimester, a kind of knowing came over me that I had not allowed my body to truly rest in years. YEARS. Maybe not since I was a child! I had pushed myself physically, trying to make my body smaller, then trying to build muscle, then trying to push my body into “health” in whatever way I thought it needed to go.

But pregnancy changed my mindset around how I needed to move and eat and how much I could rest. My body is doing the most challenging thing it will ever do: building a human. While general exercise and healthy eating is a good idea for everyone, including pregnant women, my body told me right away that what it really needed now was gentle movement and true and complete REST.

This knowing that what my body truly needed was complete rest also helped me think about what types of movement I actually enjoy, rather than what types of movement I thought I should do to be “healthy” or “fit” or “lean.” I realized that I truly enjoy walking and trail running. I also truly enjoy yoga and gentle stretching. I enjoy lifting weights, but not lifting so heavy that I am fatigued for days after and not lifting weights in any kind of HIIT workout (which is most of CrossFit); I like lifting weights slowly and only enough that I barely sweat. I realized that even after I give birth and recover, I don't have to go back to any kind of workout or form of movement that I don't truly enjoy. I can improve my cardiovascular health, my muscle and skeletal strength, and my flexibility to be truly healthy by doing only the types of movement I enjoy.

Being pregnant also made me rethink my understanding of physical recovery. I dove deep into researching the best tools for recovery from labor and birth and from exercise in general. I learned about contrast therapy, red light therapy, massage, and cupping. Instead of putting my money into an elite gym membership, I’m putting my money into recovery tools like an at-home sauna with red light therapy and cold plunge. I will use these recovery tools after my initial 6-week or more recovery after giving birth. I also made a commitment to myself that I would not simply accept that I had to be in physical pain at all times, but that I would do things to help ease my pain. I had my first prenatal massage this week, and I will be getting one per month from now until birth and probably for a long time after!

Being pregnant taught me that my body is to be cherished, listened to, and taken care of. My body is building my baby. My body is incredible and capable of so much. I refuse to punish her ever again. I will nurture my body like I nurture my son—providing her with all she needs to truly thrive.

Ability to see my future as fluid instead of linear - Intuition. Calm.

I used to try to plan every detail of my life. Before pregnancy I thought I was going to be a Type A mom who planned everything to the last second every day. I thought I would want to be the super-organized mom. But so much of that desire was actually due to my fear of being judged as a mom and as a woman in general.

In my second trimester, I deleted social media. I still get on Facebook occasionally, but before pregnancy I was on Instagram and TikTok and Facebook for hours a day. I thought I wanted to stay in-the-know and get all the best parenting and pregnancy tips before I got pregnant so I could stay a step ahead. I thought I needed to be up-to-date with current events and trends. What I was really doing was overwhelming myself with information to the point of mental exhaustion.

But now, without social media, and by letting go of the fear of being judged for how I parent and the choices I make for my body and for my baby (thank you, The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins), I don’t have the desire to plan everything out. I have some priorities in mind for where I want to put my precious energy now and in postpartum, but I don’t have expectations for myself or my baby in terms of schedule, “milestones,” or anything the world might expect me to track.

I don’t have expectations for how my birth will go. I have a general plan for how I’d like it to go, but I don’t pretend to have any control over it. I know I’ll be able to adapt as things happen. I know I’m in a place mentally where I can lean into the intuition of my body and stay in my calm even while in physical pain.

I don’t have any expectations for how the first few months with my baby will be. Maybe he’ll be a good sleeper; maybe he won’t be. Maybe he’ll eat, sleep, and poop like clock-work; maybe we’ll need to get some different ideas and support for him in those areas. I know I’ll know what he needs and that I’ll know when I need to get outside help. I don’t have any expectations for how things should go that are going to cloud my mind and make it hard for me to listen and pick up on what my intuition is telling me. I will be truly present with my baby and roll with the reality of how things occur.

I also don’t have any expectations for how my body will look, feel, or behave after giving birth. I REFUSE to accept any pressure to “bounce back.” Heck no. I will be recovering, resting, repairing, and turning inward to learn what my body needs in that brand new chapter of life. I’ve never been postpartum before, so I don’t know what to expect in any way. But I know I’ll be able to stay calm in my body’s intuition to tell me what she needs.

I’m so excited for the next 20+ weeks of pregnancy, and I am so excited to meet my baby boy. With these mindset shifts, I’m so excited and ready to be a mama and continue to create my Home Made by Mama.